Tears or Blood

"Tears are the purest form of blood drops that come straight out of your heart..." I'd say.

That's why we feel like our hearts are being crushed when we cry.. I don't know about you. I hardly cry (Crying for movies and books, doesn't count xD ) and when I cry, it is something really BIG that I cannot hide it in anymore. It does feel like my heart is being burnt or is disintegrating into pieces..

I haven't cried in such a long time.. because my heart is too weak to shed any blood anymore. Maybe it's become numb to feel any pain. The heart-wrenching feeling that I had to go through was intense and I never want to feel that again. Even if I just think back on those times, my heart can faintly recall its wounds but they are not as fresh and painful as before __ just a little bit of sting.

I am the person who hates being depressed or emotional. I'd always try to be a cheerful person around my friends and with myself too. I am only happy when people around me are happy. Ultra-sensitive? LOL. It's hard though. There are times I broke down and felt like I was choking or suffocated. Still, I did not shed a tear. A food for thoughts: people used to say you would feel things have gotten off your chest after you've cried... so is that the reason why I've been feeling suffocated too often nowadays?

I'm stressed. I cannot put my finger on what's making me this much stressed. Is it school, with graduation thingy and aftermath? Is it about balancing my job and school at the same time? Is it because I'm constantly worried about my parents nonetheless? Is it the high expectation my parents tagged at me? I'm afraid I would not be good enough for them.

I am naive (DUMB). I am indecisive. I am hesitant. I am fearful. Maybe my mom shouldn't have taught me to become a very "nice" or "sincere" person; people rip me off_ they reaped what I sowed and some people in my past have done the worst thing they could do to me. I have given a thought to revenging them but in the end, I did not do anything. There is this thing called Karma which they can't run away from. Either in this life or next life, they'll get what they deserve. I do not need to witness them fall and revenging them would not make me feel any happier. I just wanna stay clean and pure as of now.

To my pleasant surprise, I have recently discovered this dim light that was keeping me truly happy. It's far, very far from me. It's very faint. It does not belong to me as of now. It can only be visible once in a while. But once I see it, I know I gotta move on and feel as if some blissful future awaits me. More than once, I had thought I was dreaming. In fact, it's real because I can only feel its existence when I'm awake. I have never believed that something intangible could create such effects on me. I feel safe when I see it. And, I don't know how long it's gonna be there for me. It scares me because I do not want to be so reliant upon that; what if it disappears one day? I don't wanna let my guard down... Once I did, and I'm still recovering from my grand failure as a result of trusting easily and too much. I have been standing alone for as long as I can remember; it is really cold at times, with no one whom I can truly open up to. I don't want just anyone to hold but a person who can truly accept me for who I am. I am tired of expectations.

Good night, world...

P.S I'm not emo. LOL.