Tides Are High

SIGH. so many shits going on at this moment. and i thought i was strong.

but maybe not strong enough. here i am feeling all stressed out, frustrated and blue.. i dunnoe whom to talk to. it's like there are hundreds, hundreds of people around me but.. when i turn around to hold on to or open my heart to, my vision has blurred out.. am i being too secretive? or too scared to trust anyone? or am i scared that people will find out how my life is not so-uncool as they think mine is? more than once, i've said how people around me put up too many labels on me when most of the labels don't describe any part of me.. and how people have rather too high expectations on me.. it's not that i'm not confident about myself; it's just the truth i cannot live up to everyone's expectations and hopes.. STOP.

i really love my family, more than anything else but.. there are some family matters that stress me out so much.. on the outside, i'm a bubbly, fun-loving, crazy, random soul like anyone else... but inside, my heart is heavy.. it's full of worries for my future, my dream and my family.. i never thought i needed someone to be part of my life.. but at times like this, i feel so lost on my own like i feel i need someone whom i can tell my everything, who won't judge me, but still cherish me and constantly remind me that i'll be okay.. well, friends? i do have very good friends (i love my friends) and i know i can rely on them.. why am i so taken aback to talk to them? i don't have an answer.. maybe i don't want to make em worried for me when everyone has his own mess to take care of.. i don't wanna be a burden, adding onto my friend's worries.. STOP.

so what do i do? current mood: very frustrated, stressed and sad.

it's been such a long time i feel this down. how bad? a social-networkaholic me didn't even go to facebook or g talk since i got back from work.. and right now, where i wanna be is somewhere peaceful, like a meditation centre maybe.. leave me alone people.

31st Jan 2010

Tears or Blood

"Tears are the purest form of blood drops that come straight out of your heart..." I'd say.

That's why we feel like our hearts are being crushed when we cry.. I don't know about you. I hardly cry (Crying for movies and books, doesn't count xD ) and when I cry, it is something really BIG that I cannot hide it in anymore. It does feel like my heart is being burnt or is disintegrating into pieces..

I haven't cried in such a long time.. because my heart is too weak to shed any blood anymore. Maybe it's become numb to feel any pain. The heart-wrenching feeling that I had to go through was intense and I never want to feel that again. Even if I just think back on those times, my heart can faintly recall its wounds but they are not as fresh and painful as before __ just a little bit of sting.

I am the person who hates being depressed or emotional. I'd always try to be a cheerful person around my friends and with myself too. I am only happy when people around me are happy. Ultra-sensitive? LOL. It's hard though. There are times I broke down and felt like I was choking or suffocated. Still, I did not shed a tear. A food for thoughts: people used to say you would feel things have gotten off your chest after you've cried... so is that the reason why I've been feeling suffocated too often nowadays?

I'm stressed. I cannot put my finger on what's making me this much stressed. Is it school, with graduation thingy and aftermath? Is it about balancing my job and school at the same time? Is it because I'm constantly worried about my parents nonetheless? Is it the high expectation my parents tagged at me? I'm afraid I would not be good enough for them.

I am naive (DUMB). I am indecisive. I am hesitant. I am fearful. Maybe my mom shouldn't have taught me to become a very "nice" or "sincere" person; people rip me off_ they reaped what I sowed and some people in my past have done the worst thing they could do to me. I have given a thought to revenging them but in the end, I did not do anything. There is this thing called Karma which they can't run away from. Either in this life or next life, they'll get what they deserve. I do not need to witness them fall and revenging them would not make me feel any happier. I just wanna stay clean and pure as of now.

To my pleasant surprise, I have recently discovered this dim light that was keeping me truly happy. It's far, very far from me. It's very faint. It does not belong to me as of now. It can only be visible once in a while. But once I see it, I know I gotta move on and feel as if some blissful future awaits me. More than once, I had thought I was dreaming. In fact, it's real because I can only feel its existence when I'm awake. I have never believed that something intangible could create such effects on me. I feel safe when I see it. And, I don't know how long it's gonna be there for me. It scares me because I do not want to be so reliant upon that; what if it disappears one day? I don't wanna let my guard down... Once I did, and I'm still recovering from my grand failure as a result of trusting easily and too much. I have been standing alone for as long as I can remember; it is really cold at times, with no one whom I can truly open up to. I don't want just anyone to hold but a person who can truly accept me for who I am. I am tired of expectations.

Good night, world...

P.S I'm not emo. LOL.

I dont like being parted from people I'm dear to.

11:58 PM
I'm feeling irresistibly sleepy right now which is strange 'cause I slept the whole afternoon since I came back from school. Could it be due to the chili crabs I ate at the dinner or is it a sign that I have been lacking so much sleep during past few days? -.- Anyway, today was rather short, I went to consumer behavior class in the morning, not mine thou. Mine actually starts at 10:15 am and I attened the one that starts at 8:30 am 'cause I find my class boring with no one I know but 8:30 class has my Burmese friends. =) Friends always make the class more bearable.

12:10 AM To continue..
The day was short 'cause I really enjoyed today! Tetee, his younger brother Annku, and their parents are here. They are sending off Annku who is going to college in the states. If I'm not wrong, it's LA East Side College that he got in. Finally, a kid (a kid who is not really a kid hahaha) is going away to study and we all are happy but kinda worried too but oh well, let's hope and pray that he'll be fine. =)
Tetee <3 Our beloved wat-ka-lay is finally back to us! It's been almost a year he left Singapore and Ra, Maw Gyi and me. Four of us used to go to everywhere altogether and without him, when we go out now, it always feels like we are missing something, someone to be exact. Weeeeee~ today feels very complete! Tetee's family and three of us strolled around in Orchard, did some shopping and had a very awesome dinner together! Our favourite "CHILI CRABS" - one Singapore's siganature dish.. hmm and we wanted to catch a movie but it got too late after dinner and Tetee's parents wanted all of em to go back to their Hotel together. Our plan was ruined. T_T So, Ra, Maw Gyi and I came back to our house lifelessly. Maybe, tomorrow after our works, we will try to plan a time to catch a movie with Tetee since he's going back on the day after tomorrow. I don't LIKEEE. =( I wish he could've stayed longer with us.

Oh, today I called my mom in the afternoon but she was busy so I couldn't talk to her much. She was at the Court for the case she's taking care of for one of her clients. I don't know since when she started taking cases... That worries me because being a lawyer aint' easy. There'll be people from the opposition party who dislike you and stuffs. But then again, without Dad around, she must be bored at home, alone with my younger brother everyday. So, I'm just gonna pray for her. =) So that, she would be safe and sound, and win her cases. <3

Got a message from Dad too. He's sailing to India. That's all I know of now. I am gon try calling him tomorrow to know more details. I miss him big time. He's been really working hard for our family__always onboard; I haven't seen him since his visit in my first year of college. I'm graduating soon (if everything goes fine e.g, internship thingy) and I'll get to see him again in my graduation! <3 Can't wait till then. =)

P.S. Good luck to a friend who's having a bio test tomorrow. I prayed for you. =)

Yuppp I think that's fairly everything about today and now I shall go to bed. I have to work from 1-9 pm tomorrow. Good night, world~

So, I Was Reborn

FINALLY, I have recovered my knowledge in personalizing a blog skin!!
Well, I have a class at 8:30 tomorrow morning.
Mr. Seshami's Consumer Behaviour Class.

I have been meaning to hit the sack sine 12 but I just can't sleep when I feel like I have something to get done, like having to get my blog a new skin and restarted 'cause the old skin is not working properly anymore~ ~ ~ It's pretty sad that it died. I liked my previous blog skin a lot. That's me. I always feel very attached to old belongings of mine. Again, it reminds me of some part of the past I don't wanna remember. In that sense, probably it was a good riddance.

Yes, I only turn to blog when I am feeling suffocated with stuffs I hold in, and when I have things to unravel on my own.
I am not a very good communicator when it comes to expressing emotions and I have pretty fast mood swings so, it's more than nice that I've got a blog where I can rant or complain or whatever.
Even if I talk to my friends, majority of em wouldn't get me right; except Eiphyo, my BFF, my soulmate, LOL, who would always gets me easily without many words being said.

. . . . . . . . .

Anyway, yeah, I think it's good that I'm blogging again. . .
My friends can keep up with me and people can stalk me and stuffs haha I'm just kidding. . .
I don't have stalkers (I hope I don't). . .

It's time for bed. I don't want to miss any class again. I'll be good. =]

Good night, World~

Odd Facts about ME Created by starluvr80 and taken 321495 times on Bzoink
DO YOU SNORE?:	No
LOVER OR A FIGHTER?:	A lover-wanna-be who always ends up as a fighter.
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?:	WATER
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?:	Not really. I went to war with my bros.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?:	Not-so-real aha
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?:	How do you know?!I dont chew thou. I just bite. xD
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?:	All i know is i had really BIG eyes.
HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?:	born single, die single, dont matter. (6 words story) =P
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?:	Ash (white + dust ) kidding. Whitee!
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?:	Would you believe if i say no?
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?:	No but I'd like to try out.
ANY SECRET TALENTS?:	I can sing songs of any language, even if i don't speak it?
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?:	Somewhere really quiet and dreamy with beautiful flora, sceneries and lovely fauna.
HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?:	YESH, heaps heaps!
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?:	NOO. what the heck is this? O.o
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?:	Sometimes (oops)
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?:	haha What the hell! well, maybe around 300 licks.
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?:	Nope. haha.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?:	hmm NOPE because I've never sat on it but I've taken a ride in it. LOL
ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?:	Gotta see who's wearing.
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?:	Not against it but i wouldn't do myself.
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?:	Definitely! Nothing beats a happy marriage and family.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?:	Yes! It's so cuteeee. xD kd, but I do like it.
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?:	Dust and sometimes, seafood (my favorite!)
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU":	June 2009
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?:	No
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?:	Why would I cry at other people's celebration day? I'm in high spirits! =]
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?:	As long as it's cooked.
ARE BLONDES DUMB?:	Nah
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?:	In the drain with the washed water.. from the washer lol
WHAT TIME IS IT?:	3:57 am
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?:	Ri Ri (some ludicrous person gave me this.)
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?:	Noo i love their french fries!
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?:	6 hours ago
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?:	Baths! I can playyyy with water! xD
IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?:	I wish he was but sadly, no.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?:	YES very.
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?:	Coffee, Internet, Music
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?:	Crunchyyy. It's fun to chew~
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?:	Nope
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?:	Twice
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?:	Well.. maybe yes?
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?:	No
HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?:	Hmm.. not yet. But its kinda scary to ride anonymous's vehicle?
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?:	Very dark, but sometimes it appears grey.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:	July 2009
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?:	Yes I do :)
WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?:	Anyone who has found the right person of their life.
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?:	Nope
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?:	Yes
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?:	Guitar
CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?:	No
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?:	I'm okay..
DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?:	Noo ahha
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?:	Sometimes.
IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?:	Maybe.. I've never had a pet so I dunnoe?
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?:	If things have come to an end, where do we go?
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?:	A very ugly one.
DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?:	I don't have one so she need not know.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?:	Japanese fried seaweed
DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?:	Yes, sometimes.
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?:	I think I'm going to.. shhhh
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?:
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?:	No
FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?:	2PM of course!
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