Sanao Ni Narenakute. Hard to Say I Love You.

Sanao Ni Narenakute... is a Japanese drama I'm currently watching.

It gave me a lot of foods for thought. It isn't a typical love story. It's not even a drama. There are much emotion to it. It revolves around 5 people who became friends via Twitter and they had become the only people for one another whom they could confess everything to and receive forgiveness from. They are going through terrible things they can't tell others yet still try their best to look fine on the outside.

Well I don't know how right I am to say everyone feels the way I do but I can relate to this drama. It reflects the reality of solitude in our souls.. how even though people have families and best friends, it is very possible that they still feel lonely. When people don't think they can be forgiven or be understood by others, they just stock everything in their little hearts, putting on smiles everyday to look normal.

The more you try to be perfect, the further you get from your real self.. Isn't it so?
So, do you want a life with too much pretension?
I guess, no one will say yes 'cause neither do I. We would one day get tired of being someone-who-we-are-not.

I love my family and best friends of mine. They are the best things that have ever happened to me and I'm grateful for that.

It's just me. One day when I had enough courage to let out the skeletons in my closet, my only wish is that they'd still love me as they do now.

Until then, self-guilt will only build up as a punishment.

Thanks ZLM :)

ZLM's bday gift sent for my 21st :)

In fact, I'm really bushed by school stuffs which have been piled up by myself who likes to put off things till the last minute.

Since Valentine's Day, some friends of mine who are attached have been telling me how they received bouquets of flowers, cutesy gifts, and chocolates from their lovely boyfriends.

Then, this question always came. WHAT DID YOU DO? (Implying what I received, actually).

I proudly said, "Oh my best friend from the States called me and I stayed home." and smiled widely. ^__^ They may not understand why having a call from a friend is that significant. But, to me, my best friends are everything. Zaw Lin Myat__ he's been really busy lately with his school as he reaches senior year in college. Unreasonable I, as usual, complained to him how he'd not been keeping in touch with me a few days ago. Ta da~! And then, he called! We had some good time catching up/joking around with things going on in our lives. :)

Hey who cares I'm single on a V'day~ or who cares I don't get any gift~
Something as subtle as a call from someone important to me can bring more joy than anything else. <3

I may not be as lucky as other people in some parts of life, be it love issues. But, I've got the BESTEST of best friends. P.S I love you ei & zlm. :) <3

Screw Valentines' Day xD

valentines' day is just around the corner and i'm strating to cringe.

yes, i'm jealous if you are to ask me. i'm single and there's no way i can like valentines' day. usually, i'll just hide in my cave 'cause the sight of lovey-doveys and overly cutesy things can actually give me a nausea.

no valentine = no chocolate = no surprise = no beautifully-wrapped gift = no flowers = no candle-lit dinner = no romantic date = no exchanging of glances = no chemistry = no sweets xD

on 355 days of 356, i don't feel regretful or sad that i've chosen to be single. but this one day, feb 14, gets to me.

i am a hopeless romantic haha. i've always had really romantic imaginations about my date, my relationship and my wedding, which is quite far-fetched. lol.

for some reason, the fate doesn't favor me. since i was born, i'd been single on all valentines' days! =.= when i was in a relationship, i had so many things planned on my mind to carry out on his b'day, one month's anniversary, and valentines' day etc.,
but yeah, like i said before, it is as if i'm bad-luck-struck in love;
i had already broken up with him before his b'day, to be exact, we broke up on our 2nd month anni,... and way before valentines' day. life is such a joke. i felt like an idiot, to have planned things which would never happen. as we girls always do, i will say this again. "He doesn't deserve me or any good will from me". i have always believed that there's always a reason why people can't make it to your present, usually for better. oh well, that was my first "real" relationship i had and my last one too. i actually had one relationship before that, but we can't really call it a relationship because it was only 1-week-plus long.

speaking of above, it's frustrating how people always assume that i must've had many relationships or i must be attached and they'll still generously spread their opinions. screw you, people. people who don't know me personally always misjudge me.
TWO THINGS I HATE MOST: BEING JUDGEMENTAL & IGNORANT.
if you wanna know nething, be it too personal, just come straight to my face and ask me.

i really hate it when people assume things about me and act as if they've known me for years...

oh well, i dunnoe why im writing about all these stuffs... in fact, i'm tired and wanna sleep.. and i'm gon pray that god has created someone, somewhere on this earth, who deserves my romantic side. xD hehe paw lite ya mha, 8 pyaw ei. :P

good night people~

oh. in fact, i've a friendly-date with a friend on v'day :)

WHERE IS YOUR CREATIVE JUICE?

Today, I read a line in my assigned Intel case that says, " If no one thinks a marketing campaign is crazy, then maybe we haven't gone far enough."

I really liked how it's been said. Razor-sharp.

I come out with my own thinking that.. if everyone agrees to my idea, maybe I haven't been creative enough or vice versa, just because someone opposes my idea, it doesn't mean my idea isn't fantastic!

Just some random thoughts. Going for quiz now. :)

ONE DAY IF I FELL OUT OF SENSES..

Dear you~

here's what you gotta do if one day I fell out of my senses and..

walked away from you, don't let me go..

even if I locked eyes with another guy, look only at me..

even if I told you to leave, stand only besides me..

even if I told you to forget about me, miss only me..

even if i hanged up on you, don't stop calling me..

most importantly, no matter what "if"s happen, don't stop loving me..

'cause only you who tripped me to fall in love, can bring me back to life. <3

make me believe in us again.

I Can't Find Logics

It hasn't been long that I said how I was still in holiday mood. And I think the devils heard me.

Here they come. The projects! Deadlines! Presentations! May Buddha bless me and help me get through my final term.

It's 12:40 am and I just got back home. Since 8 am, I'd been in school then I went to help out at my part-time work as my manager is in need of staff. I stayed at work for 4 hours and came back to school for Korean Language Workshop hosted by Woori Sayi, a Korean Culture Club, which I'm a member of. It was quite fun actually. Maybe because it is the language I'm really interested in, I didn't find myself tired at all though I had a long day. The class was from 7 to 9 pm. Till then, I hadn't had a proper meal. Two curry puffs, two cups of coffee and a chicken pao kept me survive until I could find a time to have a proper meal. My friend, Jace, was kind enough to accompany me and had another meal with me again although she'd eaten not long before. It was very sweet. =]

(Afterward, I had to stay back in school till 11: 45 pm to finish at my work. When I came back from the library, I had to walk alone all the way to the bus stop. Quite creepy.)
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I remember every little nice thing people do for me. I don't usually ask people what I want them to do for me, because I think only something done out of their own will is sincere and priceless.
I am very moved if someone gets out of his/her way to do a small thing for me.

I am the kind of person who tries very hard to detach myself emotionally from people. I have tried to treat people, just on the superficial level but never did I succeed. In fact, I have a very soft heart which gets crushed as easily as it can love many things. So, I've become a control freak of my own emotions and I tend to be very reserved unless my instincts like/trust one person. My brain and heart always contradict one another.

Now I face another dilemma. A struggle between heart and brain.

I have a few friends whom I tell every single thing. I trust them but I wanna trust in the instincts of my heart too.

They think I am being crazy to actually trust or get too involved with someone whom I cannot guarantee about anything.
I think I know enough but I never knew enough when it comes to judging people.
I have already found my way to be happy again.
I wanna learn to trust again.
I wanna learn to love again.
I wanna learn to commit again.
Unless it's the right person, I am not gonna do all those.
Well, maybe "love" is a "big fat" word, which is too early to be said at this moment.
At least, I want "TRUST" and I want to be "SOMEONE" and not just anyone in that person's life. All I know is I care for that person and yes, it's as pure as that is.
I am not even sure if I would need any other form of feelings rather than friendship...
For the people I care about too deeply, I am not as greedy 'cause I'm afraid to lose them.
I would rather save the best possible and safest state of our attachment.
Be it friendship, I'll be happy.

Urghh. My mind is tired. My body can't move. It's signs that say I should go to bed. Good night.

I'll be fine tomorrow at the presentation! ^__^
Anyonghi jumuseyo! [Figure out what they are on your own~]

Tides Are High

SIGH. so many shits going on at this moment. and i thought i was strong.

but maybe not strong enough. here i am feeling all stressed out, frustrated and blue.. i dunnoe whom to talk to. it's like there are hundreds, hundreds of people around me but.. when i turn around to hold on to or open my heart to, my vision has blurred out.. am i being too secretive? or too scared to trust anyone? or am i scared that people will find out how my life is not so-uncool as they think mine is? more than once, i've said how people around me put up too many labels on me when most of the labels don't describe any part of me.. and how people have rather too high expectations on me.. it's not that i'm not confident about myself; it's just the truth i cannot live up to everyone's expectations and hopes.. STOP.

i really love my family, more than anything else but.. there are some family matters that stress me out so much.. on the outside, i'm a bubbly, fun-loving, crazy, random soul like anyone else... but inside, my heart is heavy.. it's full of worries for my future, my dream and my family.. i never thought i needed someone to be part of my life.. but at times like this, i feel so lost on my own like i feel i need someone whom i can tell my everything, who won't judge me, but still cherish me and constantly remind me that i'll be okay.. well, friends? i do have very good friends (i love my friends) and i know i can rely on them.. why am i so taken aback to talk to them? i don't have an answer.. maybe i don't want to make em worried for me when everyone has his own mess to take care of.. i don't wanna be a burden, adding onto my friend's worries.. STOP.

so what do i do? current mood: very frustrated, stressed and sad.

it's been such a long time i feel this down. how bad? a social-networkaholic me didn't even go to facebook or g talk since i got back from work.. and right now, where i wanna be is somewhere peaceful, like a meditation centre maybe.. leave me alone people.

31st Jan 2010